Brae and Tylor

Brae and Tylor
What th...

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Safe places to fart

Some lovely lonely places in France where you can trump unnoticed

Toby and Sam
La Tremblades

Ile de Re

Bay of Biscay

La Tremblades

Bay of Biscay

I of course dont fart.............

Sticky subject

With so many of these free resources knocking about I thought a couple of ideas might come in useful.

So here are:

20 uses for a common or garden 'Stick'

A straight stick can be used for directing people to the location that it is pointing.

A bent stick can be used for pointing around corners, or indeed for pointing towards people that are around the corner without causing them offence.

Long, thin sticks that go 'Swoosh' when cut through the air can be used for playing 'GOD' amongst the stinging nettles (bastards).

A sharp stick could have your eye out

A whippy stick, such as hazel is ideal for 'pugging' dog poo.

Very large sticks could cause a nasty accident if hurled under a moving bicycle.

Small sticks that are accidentally eaten as part of a buffet meal wreak havoc with the intestine and sphincter.

Collect many small, dry sticks and set fire to them. Great fun for pyromaniacs.

If you get pissed off with the type of music that is played on your car stereo - poke the tuning device with a smooth stick. This will cause the channel to be changed to a more favourable one.

Alternatively, if you decide that the CD that you are playing is quite hideous then jam a sharp stick into the device.

Wrap a piece of tissue tightly around one end of a small, sterile stick and use it to clean out your ear.

Insert a stick into the ground so that only 35 cm is sticking out, then force a piece of cheese onto the end. If you are patient, you may see a rodent nibble at the tasty morsel. If you are quick - you can thrash the bugger with a large, knobbly stick before it escapes.

Two sticks lashed together to form a cross make a handsome defence against vampires .

Ancient people used sticks to tell the time - daft bastards!

You can determine which way the wind is blowing with a stick flung vertically into the air - do not use heavy logs for this experiment as they can be difficult to lift.

A brown stick can look quite different in a darkened room.

Try whacking a wasps nest with a stick for an amusing effect.

The man that first said he had more sheep than he could shake a stick at was a complete idiot.

A large stick with leaves on it is often called a tree by botanists'

Juneberry Wine


Wine making.

A recipe for Juneberry wine.

First. Pay your son a few quid to scramble around the tree to pick the ripe fruits before the blackbirds and pigeons steel them. About 4 pounds will do (both as a reasonable payment and as a weight of collected fruit).

Make a special visit to the shops for a lemon and a 2 pound bag of brown suger and store in a suitably dry place for later use.

Make a cuppa tea and have a fag (this is essential unless you are a non-smoker)

Your going to need access to water so dont bother with this if you live in the desert
Buy some yeast well in advance (I use the high alcohol varieties)

Wash and crush the berries in finely meshed nylon straining bag ensuring that most of the bugs and spiders have been removed first (mainly because they dont like the crushing sensation and they dont make good wine).
Add the juice and zest from one lemon - mind you dont get this in your eyes cos it bloody hurts [tip: wear high impact safety goggles and protective gloves when dealing with lemons]

Stuff this in your previously washed and sterilised bucket with sugar, 3 litres water, (you could crush in a campden tablet if you want - I'm anti chemical stuff so i dont) stirring well to dissolve sugar. Cover with muslin and put in warm place. Leave overnight (if your making this after work) or 12 hours at any other time.

Give it a good stir with a stainless implement - not a stick or loo brush.

Add wine yeast after additional 12 hours.

Stir twice a day for a week and squeeze the straining bag to extract juice and smelly gas produced by the yeast.

At the end of the week (timing is not important) gently squeeze and drain the straining bag - dont go overboard with the squeezing or you will end up with cloudy juice.

Give the whole lot another day to settle and syphen off into a one-gallon demi-john and fit the airlock, place jar onto a tray to alleviate wrath from the missus because this will foam through the airlock onto the polished worksurfaces - or you could leave a little room at the top of the jar and top up later.

After a couple of weeks when the vigorous fermentation subsides top the jar up just below the neck with water (room temperature).

Allow this to ferment for 2 (or more) months until the wine is both clear and has finished working remembering to rack it off after each 30 days.

The brown sugar gives this a sherry like flavour and the high alcohol yeast helps to make you pissed.